I was the guy people should have been worried about, and most of them had no idea. I was good at hiding it. Loud, funny, always another project on the go. If you'd asked around back then, nobody would have picked me.
So when people ask me how to help someone who might be suicidal, the first thing I say is this: you might not see obvious signs. If your gut tells you something is off, trust the gut and ask.
The direct answer to the question goes like this. Ask the person straight out if they're thinking about suicide. It won't plant the idea; suicide.ca is clear about that. If they say yes, stay calm, let them talk, and don't judge. Don't promise to keep it secret, because their safety comes first. Then help them get connected to help, ideally together: 1 866 APPELLE in Québec, 988 in the rest of Canada and in the US. And if they're in immediate danger, call 911.
How do I ask someone if they're suicidal?
Plainly, in the present tense. suicide.ca suggests questions like:
"Are you thinking about suicide?"
"Are you considering ending your life?"
It feels brutal the first time you say it. Think about the alternative, though: someone carrying it alone because everybody around them was too polite to ask.
If you need a softer way in first, start with what you've noticed:
"You're not like yourself. I'm worried about you."
And if they've said something that scared you, ask about that exact thing. suicide.ca gives this example: "When you say you'd be better off dead, do you mean you're thinking about taking your own life?"
A direct question is hard to dodge. "Are you okay?" is easy. I've answered "yeah, fine" to that a thousand times.
What if they say yes?
First, breathe. You don't have to fix anything in the next five minutes.
The 9-8-8 guide for people who are worried has some good lines to have ready:
"I'm here to listen."
"Whatever you tell me, I won't judge you."
"That's a lot to carry."
Then mostly, shut up and listen. I mean that kindly. The urge to argue ("but you have so much going for you!") is strong, and it almost always makes the person feel less heard. Let them talk.
Don't promise to keep it secret. suicide.ca is firm on this: safety comes first. You can say something like "I care about you too much to keep this to myself, so let's figure out who we can tell together."
Get help with them. Call 1 866 APPELLE (1-866-277-3553) together, or 988 outside Québec. You can also call on your own, for advice. A counsellor can help you figure out how urgent things are and what to do next. Here's what actually happens when you call, if you want to know before you dial.
When do I call 911?
suicide.ca says to call 911 if the person:
- has attempted suicide or is about to
- may act within minutes or hours
- is in a life-threatening crisis
- ends the conversation saying they'll act
The 9-8-8 guide also says you can go with them to the nearest emergency department. If they're in immediate danger, don't leave them alone while you get help.
I know calling 911 on someone you love feels like a betrayal. They can be angry at you later. They need to be here to be angry.
What not to do
- Don't lecture. Not about how selfish it is, not about their kids, not about God.
- Don't make it about how scared you are, at least not in that moment.
- Don't promise secrecy.
- Don't try to be their therapist. Your job is connecting them to help. Nobody expects you to be all of it yourself.
From my side of it, I can tell you the things that pushed me further into hiding were the lectures and the rush to fix it. The people who sat there and didn't flinch were the ones I could actually talk to.
Look after yourself, too
This is heavy. You're allowed to need support yourself. The 9-8-8 guide says it plainly: you don't have to do it on your own, and you can contact them any time for advice. 1 866 APPELLE in Québec is there for people worried about someone close to them, too.
If this is your partner, and it's been going on a long time, get your own support. A therapist, a group, a friend who knows. You can love someone and still have limits.
If you're on the other side of this and trying to find words, I wrote how to tell someone you're thinking about suicide.