I self-harmed in high school.
I'm going to leave it at that sentence on purpose. No details, no how, no what. If you came here looking for those, you won't find them, and that's for your sake as much as mine. Guidelines for talking safely about this online, like #chatsafe and Samaritans, say the details can hurt people who are struggling right now. I believe them.
What I want to talk about is what came after. And the tattoos.
So, can getting tattoos be a way of coping with self-harm urges? I can only tell you my story. For me, getting tattooed felt like therapy. I'm covered in them now. But tattoos are not a treatment for self-harm, and I am not recommending them to anyone. What actually helps is support: telling a person, seeing a doctor or your CLSC, calling a listening or crisis line, and therapy that deals with what's under the urges.
The kid in high school
By high school I'd already lost my father (I was seven), done therapy since eight, family therapy at nine, and had a social worker assigned at fourteen. So it's not like nobody was watching. People were. It still happened.
I'm not going to explain it neatly, because it wasn't neat. What I can say is that there was a lot in me with nowhere to go. And there's a streak in me, it shows up again and again across my life, that says if it's bad, it's good. Punish yourself before anyone else can. I write about that streak in if it's bad, it's good.
I'm not ashamed of that kid anymore. But I'm careful how I talk about him.
Why the tattoos
Later on I started getting tattooed. It felt like therapy. I didn't plan to end up covered. It just kept going, one piece and then another.
I've thought a lot about why it felt that way. Some of it, I think, was control. Choosing what went on my own body, and when, and why. Some of it was story. Each one marks something I picked, not something that happened to me.
Now here's the part I need to be really clear about.
Tattoos are not a treatment for self-harm. I'm not telling you to go get one. I'm telling you what happened to me, with no plan behind it. They didn't fix what was underneath. What was underneath got dealt with much later, slowly, by people. A social worker in 2022 who gave a damn. A diagnosis (Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and ADHD, at 50). Tools I could actually use.
If you're struggling with urges right now, a tattoo appointment is not the answer. A person is.
What helps instead
I'm not a clinician, so I'll lean on the people who are.
The NHS page on getting help for self-harm says to start with a doctor, who will listen, talk through options, and can refer you on for things like talking therapy. It also points to free listening services you can reach any time.
In Québec, that looks like:
- Your CLSC, or Info-Social 811, option 2. Free, 24/7, and they can point you to help near you.
- Your family doctor or GMF, if you have one.
- If you're in crisis or thinking about suicide, 1 866 APPELLE (1-866-277-3553), text 535353, or chat at suicide.ca. Anywhere in Canada, you can call or text 988.
And in the moment, when the urge is loud, the thing I wish I'd learned in high school: tell someone. Text a friend. Call a line. Go be where other people are. Get through the next hour. Urges rise and they do pass. You don't have to fix your whole life tonight.
How to talk to someone who self-harms
This part is for the parents, partners and friends. The Irish health service has a good page on how to help someone who self-harms. The main points, in my words:
- Talk about it. Pick a private, calm moment. Pretending it isn't happening tends to make the shame worse.
- Look at the person. Ask how they're feeling, what's going on for them. Don't make it an inspection.
- Don't force it. Ordering them to stop, threatening, or taking control away from them usually backfires.
- No labels. "Attention-seeking" is the worst thing you can say. Skip it.
- Be there, and be patient. Let them know they can come back to you any time.
- Point to help. Offer to go with them to a doctor or the CLSC, or sit with them while they call a line.
You can also call Info-Social 811 yourself, as the worried person. You don't have to wait for them to be ready.